Defeated

I have spent the last several months (OK, maybe almost a year) reading books on how to be a better parent to a challenging child.  I've invested as many minutes I could grab each week to study and learn about why my second child is so different from the first and seemingly so different from other kids his age.  And yet, tonight I am going to bed feeling defeated.

There is so much about this sweet boy that I simply do not understand... like why he blows into fits of rage without warning... why it seems like his world is crashing sometimes multiple times a day - and has been for over a year now... why he can't talk like other 2-yr-old boys... why he has been sick for so much of his life (And yes, I realize that some kids are REALLY sick, and not my kid, for which I should be grateful.  But it's that lack of label, lack of explanation, lack of knowing why this kid seems to catch just about every virus that comes his way.)

I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know that there are parents out there dealing with WAY harder issues than I am, possibly permanent issues that will force them to be hands-on parenting and caring for their child even as he grows into an adult.  I can't imagine that burden.  And yet, I feel burdened by the fact that I just don't know what my future is going to look like.  Will I ever figure out how to "tame" my spirited child?  (That happens to be the title of my current book: "Taming the Spirited Child".)

The most recent development in the "Raising Jason" saga is night terrors, also referred to as sleep terrors.  These are frightening moments when a child will suddenly stir from sleep in a fit of terror (hence the name), writhing, screaming, and while seeming awake, they are actually not.  No amount of consoling seems to be able to stop these.  In fact, they have escalated over the past week.  Whereas a week or two ago, i could sleep in Jason's bed and put my hand on his back as he started to stir and fairly quickly ease him back into sleep, now it is practically impossible.  The episode today at nap time was so horrible that all I could do was watch it happen and cry. 

So, as much as I love my son and relish in the joyful moments we have, right now I feel defeated and uncertain about how I will move forward and continue to improve my parenting in hopes that, one day, he will be a manageable child who is actually enjoyable MORE than he is difficult. 

Yes I'm tired.  Yes it has been a rough day.  I might feel differently tomorrow.  But if I didn't write it down or say it out loud, I'm not sure I'd have been able to sleep tonight.  Of course, if the terrors continue again tonight, I'm not sure how quality the sleep is going to be anyway...