Unrealistic expectations?

This post has been on my mind for months.  It has taken me several weeks to these ideas jotted down, and it is most definitely incomplete.  But, I needed to get it out, so here it is.

What I'm about to write might be controversial.  It might offend some people.  So, before I go on, I just want to say that it is in no way my intention to offend.  I mean no personal attack on anyone and do not intend to judge anyone for their parenting choices.  I simply have questions about how we as a society (myself included) are raising our children.

Are our kids being expected to grow up too fast?  I wondered this many times before I had my own children, and even more so since the birth of Abigail and Jason.  There are many aspects of child rearing that cause me to ask this.  I question some of what other parents profess as the right way to raise (even "train") a child, and I question some of the decisions I have made in raising my children.  I'm often worried about what we believe the standard should be for our children, which is why I feel compelled to write this post.

Sleep.  From the time a baby in our society is born, folks start talking about the child's sleep.  "Are they sleeping through the night yet?"  I think this might be the most asked question about young babies, second only to "How old is s/he?".  Sometimes I even feel like it's a competition to see who can get their kid to sleep through the night the fastest.  OK, let's stop for a moment here.  A newborn's survival depends on the fact that they DO NOT sleep through the night.  They need to eat!  Who cares if you're tired?  Your child needs nutrition to thrive, and it's up to you to provide it.  I have heard of some nursing mothers who prepare large bottles of expressed milk or formula to give their child right before bed to "make" them sleep through the night.  Truly, this should not work!  A baby's stomach is the size of their fist, and I can't imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to them to try and stuff more in there.  I know my daughter would often nurse beyond her capacity and then spit it all up (I think I had a very large milk supply and she had a strong desire for comfort nursing, hence the overflow of milk).  I felt bad for her every time that happened.
The famed book "Baby Wise" entices parents by promising that "your child will sleep through the night", as I recall, by 9-12 weeks of age.  While it may or may not be the intention of the authors, I question whether this book simply satisfies a parent's selfish desires without enough concern for a baby's needs.  I also question whether parents really read everything in the book, or just interpret the parts that promise what they desire (more sleep, a predictable child).  "Sleeping through the night" early on is defined as 5-6 hours of sleep, but many parents shoot for 11-13 hours in these early weeks of their baby's life.  Seems unrealistic to me, and unfortunately, it often means that a baby is left to cry in her crib until she finally gives up or exhausts herself and falls back asleep.

Many parents practice "sleep training" in which a baby is consistently put to bed awake and expected to fall asleep on his own.  Some parents interpret this to mean it's OK to allow a newborn to cry for 15 minutes to an hour (or more!).  What ever happened to that beautiful picture of a mother cradling her baby, rocking him to sleep?  Nowadays, it seems like there is a lot of pressure to NOT rock your baby to sleep, because they'll "never" learn to sleep on their own.  First of all, I strongly believe that young babies NEED, CRAVE, and LOVE being close to their parents and should develop a strong bond with them including sleep time.  There are few things more special than cradling your sleeping baby close to your chest.  So where do we draw the line?  When does the benefit of that closeness no longer outweigh the benefits of independent sleep?  I'm not really sure.  It's something I've constantly struggled with, as I believe lots of other parents also do based on the amount of public discussion that exists on the topic.  As a child gets older, we have to weigh the child's desires for attention with his needs for quality sleep, and therefore may change how we put him down as he ages.  Even then, I question myself sometimes about whether the baby really needs me, or would truly benefit from being able to go to sleep on his own.

Food.  As a nursing mother, I cannot truly tell how much my child is ingesting at each feeding.  I do know that Jason rarely takes more than 5-6 ounces during any bottle feeding (Abbie was more like 4oz), but I never really know how much he gets when he nurses.  Therefore, I have reservations about the suggestions of some parenting writers that a mother should "hold off" her baby if she cries before her 3-hour incremented feeding time.  Many parents will give a pacifier instead of offering to nurse.  OK, but who are we to decide when our babies should be hungry?  How do we discern whether or not the child is hungry (hello, growth spurts!) or needs something else, if we don't give them the opportunity to show us?  All in the name of scheduling a predictable child...

Solid food.  I feel like many parents are a little too anxious to get their baby eating solids.  They may believe it will make life easier or will solve their sleep issues.  News flash!  It does neither of those.  Adding solids to Jason's diet did NOTHING to improve his sleep, and now I have to plan his meals in addition to the rest of the family's.  Definitely not easier.  But, my point is about growing up.  Eating solids earlier (at 4-6 months old) in my mind does nothing to improve the child's well-being.  In fact, for a nursing baby, it might actually be a bit of a drawback, as the baby is now more disconnected from her mother when feeding.  Both of my children started solids around 6 months, but Jason was pretty reluctant and that was OK with me.  The WHO encourages exclusive breastfeeding for the first year of life, so I was in no hurry to force Jason.  He has since developed a taste for several solid foods, but he still nurses at least 4 -5 times/day.

Life is busy.  Way busier than in previous decades.  We are constantly going and doing, and therefore expect our babies to adhere to a schedule so that they are "predictable".  Not everyone is super-strict about their child's schedules, but enough are that it worries me a bit.  When we are preoccupied with a child being "on schedule", we lose our flexibility to enjoy life.  Now yes, there is something to be said for having some consistency in a child's day to maintain a healthy, happy baby.  But sometimes I begin to cringe when I hear a parent constantly talking about whether or not their baby is "on schedule".  Seriously?  It's a baby!  A human!  Not a robot.  So, chill out a little bit, OK?  They're going to have to worry about schedules soon enough when they start going to school and then get a job.  Let's not ruin the precious moments we have to relax and enjoy.

Behavior.  Tony and I are often telling Abbie to "act like a big girl" or do whatever "like a big girl".  Lately, i've been wondering, "What does that really mean?"  She isn't really a "big girl".  She's a little girl.  She still doesn't understand a lot, yet often we expect her to.  Sometimes I get so caught up in getting her to behave, complete tasks, talk, or whatever, in a more grown up manner, that I forget she is still so young.  She doesn't always understand what I'm asking for (yes, sometimes she does, and sometimes she deliberately disobeys and requires some correction and discipline), nor does she always possess the skills that I somehow imagine she ought to have by now.  I have to keep reminding myself to SLOW DOWN.  I may want her to be a "big girl" now, but pretty soon, she's going to be all grown up and I'm going to miss my little girl!  We have to remember to savor these moments, even the trying ones, because all too soon, they will be gone.

I've talked a lot about babies up until now.  That is where I have the most experience.  I know this is a long read.  Most people have probably stopped reading by now.  That's fine.  But, I do worry about our expectations of older children, too.  So, as I touch on that I'll try to be brief!

Homework:  All too often, I hear about elementary age kids having ridiculous amounts of homework, and parents fretting over making sure their kids have lots of enrichment activities.  When ever happened to learning through play and exploration?  School hours are long enough.  Let's let our kids explore their world in the afternoons instead of pouring over homework assignments.

Home alone:  So many kids these days are coming home to an empty house after school.  No one is there to greet them, guide them, or care for them.  They are expected to take care of themselves.  And too many of them get into trouble because of it.  Kids NEED their parents.

We expect kids to jump right in to using computers without the foundations of reading, writing, and penmanship skills.  They lack the basics, because we push them too fast to keep up with our world of technology.  Whatcha gonna do when the cash register breaks and you have to actually calculate change in your head?

I'll probably rant about this again when my kids get older.  But for now, I just wanted to address some of the things that have been on my mind for a while.  Again, I claim NO perfection or 100% confidence in my own methods of child-rearing.  I just hope that we will all continue to question what we expect of our kids, and try to ensure that we are really allowing them to be kids without penalty.