They don't tell you...

They don't tell you how hard it will be to be recognized for your abilities to return to work when you choose to be a stay-at-home parent.  Or maybe they do, and I didn't listen.  One year turned into 6, which has now turned into 8.  Opportunities in my profession are few, and becoming fewer thanks to our politicians and lack of funding.  So, now that I've tried twice to get back to full-time work in a manner that will allow me to still support my family (aka not an hour's drive from home) and FAILED, I feel pretty crappy.  I feel like 8 years away has stripped me of a huge part of my identity.

I hope my family will pardon me, but I never imagined myself as a forever "just mom" or "housewife".  I'm OK at it, but not great.  And it's a job I sometimes enjoy, but especially as my kids get older, it doesn't fulfill me.

I started dreaming of teaching Chorus when I was in middle school.  By the time I left my first job, I think I was pretty good at it.  Since then, I've matured and gained experiences through other schools and choirs, and now I actually think I'm really good at it.  In fact, several people, including colleagues and students have TOLD me that I'm really good at it.   But a rejection letter that says they prefer a candidate with "current experience" makes me feel like I chose the dead-end path.

Despite being actively involved in my field in various ways, including significantly more involvement in the specific area I want to return to over the past couple of years, it's not enough.  And the longer I stay this way, it will be less and less of "enough".  So, do I resign to being "just a sub" or "just an assistant" forever?  Will I always play second fiddle, even if I have it within me to be BETTER than some of those running the show?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  At least for now, I feel pretty depressed.  I willingly made a sacrifice and a selfish choice to be at home with my kids when they were young.  I just didn't realize that it may very well have been a much longer-term sacrifice than I ever imagined.